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the death that talked of analysts and cures
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| 7 months |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|09:07 pm] |
It took me nearly 7 months, but I rearranged my room for the first time since acquiring and assembling all my furniture. I like it better. This weekend was an overhaul of streamlining my stuff and cleaning and preparing for visitors for the next two weekends.
The most important being Nadia the weekend of the 20th. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I'm sure we'll make it grand. If not, we'll just have a lot of wine and watch Jawbreaker and Drop Dead Gorgeous... that works too ;) |
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| countdown |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|03:49 pm] |
Have I mentioned that I love Chicago? My apartment? My roommates? The cats that come with one particular roommate? The relative ease in which I settled into this city? My neighborhood? The 22 bus? The red line? The other friends I have met and reconnected with since the move? The theater scene? The music events and venues... So much of it is great.
Chicago is great.
The snow is not AS great, but it was, obviously, not unexpected and I've dealt with it remarkably well except for that one tense and debilitating week in December. Still, it's march, and I woke up to a new batch of the white fluffy stuff, and I'd be happy if it was done now.
My job leaves me eternally broke. Sometimes I make less a month than my bills total. That is depressing. BUT I see layoffs and shutdowns all around me, and I'm thankful for a job that seems relatively stable for the time being. It's not * quite * what I was hoping for when I moved here, but with the economy the way it is right now, any job is a good one.
But the good more than outweighs the bad and I'm still discovering new things and people and places daily.
With that said, it seems counterintuitive to announce that in July I will be returning to California.
I never said I would move here indefinitely. I thought it might turn out that way, but I left it open. I committed to a year. I have enjoyed the first 3/4 of it, and I could easily see myself making it work here. But 20+ years in California makes me feel almost like I'm in a different country here. And as much as I can handle warming my car up, scraping ice, and learning exactly how many layers of long underwear can fit under one pair of jeans, it is not something I want to Get Used To.
Simply put, before I left California, I fell in love. With Long Beach, with Annie. With a state I thought I was at odds with. These past months have solidified that for me.
So at the end of June I will packing my belongings back into my trusty chevy cavalier and traversing the bland highways of the flyover states and desert to return to Long Beach. To 728 Cherry. To Annie, who has been more than patient and supportive.
And in the remaining months, I plan to take in as much of the city as I can possibly stand. |
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| the seven deadly... |
[Feb. 22nd, 2009|08:55 pm] |
7 foods you can't stand
1. Hot Dogs
2. All Nuts
3. Fake Lemon Flavored Iced Tea
4. Processed Ham
5. ....
6. ....
7. I'm not picky otherwise
6 actors/actresses/musicians/famous people whose appeal you don't understand
1. Beyonce
2. Zac Ephron
3. Katy Perry
4. Jessica Simpson
5. Kid Rock
6. Christian Bale
5 pet peeves
1. Lack of communication
2. Warm Pillows
3. Chronic Lateness
4. Flakiness
5. Dying cell phones
4 talents/skills you don't have, but kind of wish you did
1. I wish I was a musican
2. I wish I could act
3. I would love to be a better photographer
4. I wish I could sew/construct clothes
3 songs you hate
1. I Kissed A Girl- Katy Perry
2. All The Single Ladies - Beyonce
3. Any Pussycat Dolls Song |
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| A flammable past |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|07:03 pm] |
how did I leave the state w/o my birth certificate?
now a passport will be more difficult to get. time to order a replacement. |
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| <3 |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|04:59 pm] |
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Back in California through Sunday... am loving this weather and my girl. |
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| nice |
[Jan. 10th, 2009|01:30 pm] |
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(overly proud of my 781 credit score) |
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| summer in the city |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|10:03 pm] |
September kicked off with a beautiful show at Millennium Park by Andrew Bird that I attended with Joe.
We were all still giddy about discovering our new city, but getting restless about not having jobs. Soon I got offered not one, but two positions and had to make a tough choice between the two: Do i take something marginally within my field that has a very stodgy office environment and 9-5 hours, or do I try something totally unrelated, in a field that is quite opposite of what i'm used to, but has a hipper, younger crowd... but also has much later hours (2-10pm)?
In the end I chose the first. And besides being really bad pay... (seriously, it's the lowest paying job I've ever had and this is my post-degree skills working for me... frustrating...) it is just nice to have stable work and something mildly interesting when so many people are struggling even more than I am right now in this economy.
We scouted out coffee shops, made massive trader joe trips and picked our local hangouts.
On September 10th I snuck back to California to see Annie and we decided to stop fooling ourselves and be together like everyone else knew we were. It was a nearly perfect adventure- even in its imperfections.
* I got to see Ask Alice perform at the Que Sera, sharing the bill with the phenomenal, amazing band: The Youngs.
* We went to the Santa Monica Pier, for a barbecue festival... and despite standing in line for an eternity (HOURS) and not getting ribs (and being subjected to a LOUD, BAD Hair Rock cover band), we still had the best time.
* Just sitting @ Hot Java with the requisite diet coke & jalapeno bagel, reading the district was lovely.
(... and so much more that is blurring in my thoughts as I look forward to being there again in just 14 days)
The day after I returned I started my new job @ MNI. Being the only one tied to a normal work week in the house was frustrating for a while, but it was nice to have something to throw myself into at the point where i was becoming quite homesick. |
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| so far... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|06:20 pm] |
The very brief recap of 2009 so far...
Oh NYE 2009, you went better than I could have ever expected. I thought no one would show, I thought I would be too depressed to celebrate w/o Annie (or Justin, who had insinuated he might just show up), I thought I would get stir-crazy and want to go out to one of the many events in the area, despite the hefty price tags.
Instead our small, intimate party was all people who knew and liked each other and got along famously, with the help of a well-made champagne and fruit punch.
David, Kandarpa, Elizabeth and Stephen joined the regular cast of 1724 carmen. There was couch cuddling, apples to apples (seems to be a theme on my friends list... I had never played), personal stories, much teasing, good music, goofy pictures and more wine and champagne. It was lowkey, but exactly what was needed.
I had ambitious plans for the first day of 2009, but we all got a late start and becky and joe and i drove to downtown to visit stephen @ his job (nerdy knitting store called "loopy yarn") and then off to H&M to spend xmas giftcards. Unfortunately we required food, and by time we ventured back to H&M (during normal business hours!!!), the store had closed, operating off of special new years day hours.
Nothing crazy this weekend planned. Bought hair dye and cookies and ice cream. Exciting. Though the weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow, so I want to be out and enjoy it. |
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| you just start again... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|08:53 am] |
August
Aug. 3 was my last day in California. It tore me apart to drive away from Annie, and it took us two times to successfully complete our goodbyes. I found myself in Corona at my parents, dejected and in a daze about the amount of packing I still had to do. Nadia brought a 'to-go' assortment for the road. It's tradition. Whenever I'm upset she compiles a tray of snacks to lift my mood.
Annie and I parted with no real definition of our relationship and no expectations. Just hope.
Leaving Califnornia, really the only place I ever lived, was a tough decision. But I felt that almost everything was lining up to accomodate the move, and worried that if I didn't take this chance now, I would possibly never get the guts to do it again, and I didn't want to feel stuck or limited.
On the 4th my mom and I set off in my car, drove through most of the night and stopped in Utah for a couple hours of sleep. Her family lives in southern Wisconsin, so we drove the next couple of days late into the night and reached Elkhorn, Wisconsin at 3 a.m. on the 7th. After visiting with family and I finally headed down to my new apartment on the 10th.
I had let/had to give control of the apartment search to Becky and Joe, since I was in California and they were able to make multiple trips down to Chicago to view places in person. I trusted them, but also knew we were on a budget and were new to the city, so I didn't expect a fantastic apartment. Instead we ended up with a beautiful place that is bigger and nicer than I could have reasonably expected. They did great work. Of course we've had a couple of glitches: a fridge that stopped keeping things cold, a door knob fall off of our back door, a drain in the bathroom that didn't like to drain... but so far the management has been fairly timely and helpful when we've had problems.
For a couple of weeks my room looked like a hostel... mattress on the floor, bag in a corner, but finally a trip to Ikea solved that. (Somehow I had gone 23 years of my life without venturing into an Ikea...). The slats on my bed like to fall out on occasion, making getting into bed each night a fun game, and the dresser was nearly impossible to put together, but with the room mates help it didn't defeat us.
The first month in Chicago included a 3 1/2 mile walk from Lakeview in the late hours of the night because we thought we were much closer than we were and were erroneously informed that buses stopped running at 2:30 a.m., a visit from Justin and Becky's friend Lauren, a failed attempt at finding somewhere, anywhere, to dance, a killer martini and a mysterious bartender, blind dates for both of my room mates, and many letters and hours on the phone with Annie for me.
Once settled, the job search intensified. We all went through bouts of mild depression as we worried that no one would ever hire us. Overall I believe I applied to 40 jobs per week for the first 6 weeks I was in Chicago. Two of those resulted in interviews, and fortunately I was offered both, I took the one more closely related to my field and am trying to make the best of it and am just thrilled to have a job at a time when so many people don't. |
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| To the point where I can't breathe... |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|07:41 pm] |
July
July went by so quickly and every day had something major occur in it, good or bad.
I mostly secured my apartment in Chicago (there was a scary bump at the end, but it all worked itself out).
I spent 4th of July @ a Whittier College dorm... and somehow that was perfect (no actual dorm residents were in attendance).
...and Erica and I broke up. To me it wasn't a surprise, though that didn't make it any easier to take. As much as people want to call me cruel or take sides, I was hurt too. We had an almost 4 year relationship that was supportive and loving and solid. It just wasn't progressing any longer, and I wasn't going to be able to thrive in Riverside and she wasn't willing or able to go elsewhere. Even with Chicago on the horizon, she was willing to support me in the move, but couldn't commit to visiting or ever being willing to consider moving here if I decided to stay. I didn't want her to drop her life, but I couldn't not pursue mine either. I loved her, and part of me still does. I have nothing but respect for her and wish her the best and I'd like to think we'll be friends for as long as both are willing to put in the effort. I am so disappointed it didn't work out, but I am so thankful for the time with her. She taught me so much and supported me through everything.
People can think the break up was because of Annie if they want, and if it's easier for them to blame it on my attraction to her, then fine, but I think I would have come to that decision either way.
Mid-July found both Annie and I single and in two major transitional periods, and since it was finally okay for us to be together, we were. As many waking hours as possible for as long as other responsibilities would allow. It was such a natural fit and so caring and romantic from the start. There were a string of Ask Alice shows, a goodbye gathering at The Brit, A 12 hour getaway to Vegas, picnics in the park, a party @ justin's, and moving her into her apartment, immediately followed by an earthquake that shook SoCal. |
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| On the bound |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|07:26 pm] |
June
I did a lot of laundry, saw many concerts/shows (DRESDEN DOLLS) (MOSCOW @ Alex's Bar), Got addicted to photobooths, reconnected with nadia and karel, watched erica go up another belt level @ karate, went to an awkward but pleasant baby shower, celebrated my sister's 20th birthday and tried to pare down my belongings. Mostly that just resulted in me being overwhelmed.
June also marked the official return of Ask Alice, Annie's band, as they performed their first show with Laura @ Que Sera in Long Beach in June. I knew it was risky to be there and the icy stares @ the other side of the room would have usually scared me away, but I had spent so much time at practices and enjoyed their progress so much that I had to be there to see the final product and lend my support. AJ, Annie and Laura rock in a major way and have a great spirit and energy and talent, and I'm so happy whenever I get to be around for a show, practice or impromptu jam session. |
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| May I? Must I? |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|02:13 pm] |
May
In early May I attended and participated in Lav Grad. My graduation from college, since I decided I didn't want to participate in the large liberal arts, cap and gown extravaganza. It was nearly two weeks before my finals, so that part was anti-climatic, but having friends and family there and being able to see them immediately afterwards and even during the ceremony made the choice to participate in the smaller ceremony celebrating people I care about the much better choice.
I finished my finals and papers @ CSULB in a lowkey fashion, broke my digital camera on my last day of classes and lost my job from First Tuesday.
Over the course of one week I had my responsibilities cut. Without a job or school for the first time I could have spiraled into a depression, but chose to spend the time I finally had to reflect and enjoy the people around me. |
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| There is no going back |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|01:58 pm] |
April
So much shifted in April internally. I had decided for sure that I was leaving and I started making cuts and pulling back and letting go to allow myself the distance it would take to detach myself from things and people and memories that had been so guiding and structured in my life.
I threw myself into choreographing a friend's drag king troupe for the UCR drag ball. That ended in awkwardness, but the show and the people were enjoyable until that final moment. One of the highlights being closing out a restaurant with half the San Diego Kings Club and dissolving into a pile of people shivering and laughing in the parking lot at 2 a.m.
I let myself be in situations I would have otherwise pulled back from out of shyness. It proved to be one of the best choices I've ever made.
I do not regret anything.
Giang's murder-hat-mystery wedding was attended on 3 hours of sleep, which only added to the wackiness and surreal-theme of it all. It was inspiring to see friends do it their way and not bend to traditions just for tradition.
We went to Vegas for Erica's birthday with Ai. It wasn't what I expected, but it was nice to be away and to see Erica and Ai in their element. The Liberace museum was as gay as it sounds, and the slot machines didn't stress me out nearly as much as I expected, but even with the $1 margaritas as encouragement, i don't think I'll ever be a serious gambler.
Other Highlights:
* Parking Structures
* Seeing The Breeders
* Debras |
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| The third month marks the first quarter of the year |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|01:44 pm] |
By March I was entrenched. I was falling so hard and fast for Annie that even with barriers and boundaries and the respect and love I had for Erica, it was tough to contain and control.
March continued on much the same pattern as Feb. The relentless traffic to and from CSULB only reprieved by the occasional social event. UCB with Meadow, Dinner with Justin, Coffee @ Hot Java.
In March I was introduced to Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs, apparently an L.A. staple that I had overlooked because of my usual disdain for hot dogs. But after a night of dancing at Bootie the group I was with stormed the hot dog cart and the smell of these unholy concoctions was too much to resist.
This month also marked the rejection from The Alternative Academy of Journalism, It was a fellowship that I spent such a large amount of my free time crafting resumes and writing samples and cover letters for that I felt very positive about my chances of getting in. It would have been an 8 week introduction to Chicago and a great launching point for journalism jobs in the city. Being rejected didn't deter my plans, but it was a major disappointment. |
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| the second month.... |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|11:07 am] |
Feb.
I don’t remember this month as clearly as Jan. sticks out in my mind. It was a chaotic mess of trying to balance a revolving and evolving school schedule (at this point one of my professors hadn’t really decided when she wanted to hold class, so we kept being bounced around, I had attempted to challenge a low-level journalism course and went through a lot of hectic scheduling and planning and stress to arrange that only to have it denied by the dept. chair, and because I my school schedule was constantly in turmoil, my work schedule at First Tuesday was sporadic and intense when I was there).
What I remember most about this month is booking it out of the office in Riverside at 10:58 on Tue & Thurs. and rushing down the 91/55/22 to TRY to get parking @ CSULB by 11:55 so I could sprint up 3 flights of stairs to my Journ. 120 class. This rarely worked in my favor, and I felt constantly guilty and apologetic to the wonderful professor (Kinney Littlefield) who was so gracious in working with me.
Mostly I am thankful I don’t run this kind of schedule anymore. With one actual full-time job and 2 freelance writing positions, it is much calmer these days. And there is much less traffic in my life. |
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| 2008: the way it played out |
[Dec. 30th, 2008|10:08 am] |
Jan.
2008 has been a momentous year. Upon reflection I think it will be a marker in my life where I can look back and say, "everything changed after that," because it's true: In 2008 everything changed. In the past twelve months I have shed so much of myself and am rebuilding with new experiences, new relationships and a new outlook.
I rang in the first moments of the year in Madison, Wisconsin with a gathering of Joe's friends that immediately made me feel welcome and included. The first dawn of 2008 found Joe, Jackson, Diane and I assessing the festivities of the night before. We braved the bitter –10 degree cold for a bad breakfast buffet before retreating to the comfort of the cuddle couch and indulging in mindless reality TV.
In the following days Joe and I ventured to Chicago to get a taste of what awaited us. A memorable Dresden Dolls show, Ikosium crepes and one-too-many trips to Intelligentsia shaded our experience and solidified our plan to relocate in the Summer.
In the meantime I returned to California. To Riverside. Where I felt safe but stagnant. Escaping to Long Beach, Los Angeles and Fullerton as much as I could.
January brought a show at the sultry and swanky Bordello from Two Ton Boa, the band that opened for The Dresden Dolls weeks before in Chicago. It was one of the stormiest days of the year in southern California, but I braved the conditions and made it to Long Beach, where Annie joined me in taking in the experience.
Through White Russians and red lighting we watched Two Ton Boa succumb to the effects of having three horrendous weeks on the road filled with car and money problems. It was obvious they just wanted to make it home to Seattle. But the night was not lost. In their wake rose The Youngs, the best musical discovery of the year. Intense, immensely talented and very under-appreciated. Little did I know that their shows and music would be such distinct markers in the year to come.
In addition to this, I started my last semester of college amidst the 2nd worse case of illness I have ever had... but at least I was comforted knowing 80% of the people who had been @ Debra's/Ripples two nights before had also fallen ill. It was an illness we all felt stronger as people for defeating, even if we had weakened immune systems. |
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| varying stages of freezing |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|05:51 pm] |
chicago, i've defended you to others. I've enjoyed our experiences. But right now I am very disappointed in you, your weather and your services.
thanks for being entirely unhelpful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|04:01 pm] |
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People are jerks. My car is still stuck. Am not feeling the Christmas spirit, am feeling rather helpless despite trying so hard. |
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| in for the holidays |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|06:34 pm] |
Christmas alone is not quite as depressing as it is advertised. I would definitely trade it for being able to celebrate with family, but since my parents are 2000 miles away, and even if I did have plane tickets, i'd still be sitting at O'hare with throngs of unhappy travelers, I'll take this as an alternative.
It would have also been fun to spend it in LG with Joe and his family, but timing and such prevented that plan.
The only truly depressing part of spending the day alone (besides the obvious: that I would have been so grateful to spend it with annie... but again, somewhat consoling that no one is getting in or out of Chicago due to weather) is that my CAR has been stuck in between giant, rock-hard snow mounds since friday that have melted just enough to freeze back into ice piles and keep my car submerged.
I carried a 30 pound bag of rock salt 8 blocks on tuesday in hopes of rescuing my poor defenseless vehicle. Unfortunately it is still too thick to free it.
I have shoveled for a total of 3 hours in the past couple of days and never got it anywhere near free.
It was somewhere between -20 through -40 with windchill on Sunday. -20 w/ windchill on Monday and quite rainy and snowy (and sleety) for the following two days.
Believe it or not, I'm actually braving the elements quite well and am more interested in enjoying the moments and festivities and people here than being cooped up inside indefinitely, but this has nearly defeated me. It's been a rough weather week by everyone's standards, but most people had the foresight on friday to free their cars from the muck. I had my first minor weather freak out and hid indoors before bundling up, getting brave, and trudging through many inches of snow to the train because I couldn't imagine driving in the ice covered roads.
Instead, what I should have done, as instructed by locals, was brave the snow and at least fully dig my car out before venturing to the train.
Beginner's mistake. OH well.
Anyway, I am supposed to go to see my family in Wisconsin on Saturday. The next two days are supposed to be significantly warmer, and I'm hoping the weather and my determination will get my car free, because so far, even with a posted Craigslist ad asking for help, no one else has been able to come through, and I don't know what other avenues to take. |
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| hands that bind |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|05:36 pm] |
one of the main reasons i've been lax in writing here and anywhere for quite a while is that for months my right wrist has ben in severe pain. Alternating between a dull pain to a severe burning... sometimes with numbness. I know I need to get more medical treatment for it. Before I left I got an appointment with my doctor in riverside and he gave me a cortisone shot and a brace, but that has not really helped, and since I type all day at work, I need to not when I can help it. Thus i've just been a quiet observer, but I've definitely been around and present.
It's finally feeling a little better, so i hope soon to have a better record of my life here and communication with others. |
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